Forgiveness is something that you grant to someone who deserves it, but you do it on your own terms. But what if you did something that you never forgave yourself for? What if something that you did in your past haunts you to this very day? Will you be able to lavishly forgive yourself or do you not want that liberty?
Everyone does some unspeakable things that they do not wish to think about, it lands in that part of the brain that acts as a black-hole. It sucks out the gruesome details and exhausts it outwards, hoping to leave peace in its place. But does it really get flushed out?
I do not wish to disclose what I had done in the past for I am still ashamed of that abominable act. It still burns my heart to this very day, when will I be able to move past from that day? How foolish was I to think that no one would find out about what I had done. Only three people knew about that incident, my mother, my uncle and his wife. They promised to forgive me for what they described as a “sin”, but they so very graciously granted me forgiveness. What they never realized was that it was never their place to grant it at all.
I had committed that sin knowingly…and that is what bothers me to this day. I knew that I was stepping into the quicksand and fell into its clasp intentionally. But I am not able to discriminate my decision conclusively. If only I predicted the consequences, if only I had been a tad more heedful. I gave in to the situation, I became weak. And I that is what I hate the most.
So, what is that extravagant offer that I made to myself, it was nothing but forgiveness. I wished to release all that anger and vexation from my heart, mind and soul. For everything had become tainted when I committed that sin and I was unaware of that. I resolved to grant myself forgiveness for a sin I had obligated myself to a very long time ago. It gave me peace and happiness, like an enormous rock had been lifted off of my chest. I felt liberated and contended. That was a magical moment in my life, a gift that I gave myself after years of self-torment and denial.
This is my story on how I selfishly went about and made myself feel special. I listened to my heart and I decided to love myself a bit. Don’t we all deserve a little love that we often need to spare for ourselves as well? And that was exactly what I did, for a change I treated myself to the luxury of forgiveness. You should feel special and loved once in a while, and that doesn’t always have to be expected from someone else, it could just be you because no one can judge you harder that yourself. You fret and flee from the many faces that lie within you which you do not wish to confront. Yet, you have to, one way or another.